Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Death Part 2

Ok Halloween is on the way. So here are some gruesome jokes so here they are and I hope you enjoy my morbid humor....

Funny Funeral Home Slogans 

You stab em we slab em
We're dying to help you out
People are dying to come to us
We make you look good cause GOD don't like ugly
You shouldn't be caught dead anywhere else
Had a heart attack?? We have a casket for that
You kill em we seal em
Bury your problems with us
Everyone is dying to have a funeral here
We put the fun in funeral
Garbage collectors don't die they just kick the can
Can you trust us?? Of corpse you can
Your pockets won't hurt when we put you in the dirt
There dead spread the bread
Kids coffins drown three get one free ask for the Andrea Yates special
When death calls put us on three way
We're dead serious about our business
When your organs stop ours start playing
Your loss is our gain
You kill em we chill em
You kill em we grill em
Ashes to ashes dust to dust please have your funeral with us
Let us be your soul provider for a funeral
What happens in the embalming room stays in the embalming room
You drop dead we drop dirt
Hit em with a clock we put em in a box
Drive carefully we'll wait
Text and drive to get an appointment early here
Discounts to die for
We're just dying to meet you
Service you'd die for
We think outside the box
People would kill to have a funeral here
Stop by and check out our dead low prices
Let us urn your business
We got the dirt on everyone - eventually
A foot deeper and a dollar cheaper
Repeat customers are half off
A once in a lifetime service
Coffins so nice, you'll wanna die twice
Our parlors are drop dead gorgeous 
We deliver to a higher authority 
We make a rigorious pursuit of our business
Give us cash we turn you into ash
Our offers never expire
You don't need an engraved invitation to have a funeral here
You'll be coffin up money to have a funeral here

Funny epitaphs 

I guess I really was sick
Don't make me come back! 
Step on my grave and I'll haunt you
Here lies my ex they rest in peace and so do I 
I was here but now I'm gone I've left this inscription to turn you on not real colorful not much flash if you don't like it well its my epitaph 
I told you I was sick! 
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake stepped on the gas instead of the brake 
Here lies Johnny Yeast pardon me for not rising 
Here lies an athiest all dressed up and no place to go 
Here lies an agnostic and I dunno where I'll go 
I said my feet were killing me but no one believed me
Here lies a man named Blake he was bitten by his own pet snake 
Here lies Roger Black chocked to death on his favorite snack 
Here lies a man named Jim who went in the lake but couldn't swim 
This will be you one day
Here lies Molly Snare who went in the woods and got ate by a bear 
Here lies Ronald Park who made a tasty meal for a hungry shark 
Here lies Mr.Jones once was alive now a bag of bones 
You may be alive, but I'm still better looking (<--- Simon Cowell's future epitaph) 
In the earth shall I be but keep off the grass and stop walking on me! 
Here lies Brandy Star went out one day and got hit by a car 
What are you lookin at?? 
Don't read this epitaph or you'll die
Died from not forwarding that chain mail to ten people
I listened to a comedian and died of laughter 
I was Fred but now I'm dead 
Here lies Edward Hyde we laid him here cause he died 


Well that's it. I hope those made you die of laughter. I think I shall make a killing of those jokes. Happy Halloween! 

Friday, October 12, 2012

Death

Death has been on my brain lately. I feel GOD wants me to blog about it so I will... Many in this world are afraid of death cause many think of it as the final word. Many believe that after you die then that's it no more you poof gone. This is why people won't talk about it or when in a graveyard they'll start talking about something or whistle cause death makes them uncomfortable. Many people don't wanna think about death or talk about it. But we Christians are a tad bit different. Christians are not afraid of death. As Paul said "for to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain" Philippians 1:21 NIV.  I think Christians should have death on their minds and to keep it in mind as much as possible. Yes as Christians we don't face a spiritual death thanks to Jesus. But we still must sooner or later face a physical death unless the rapture happens before we die. And as Christians we are supposed to die to ourselves. I think it would be healthy for Christians to visit cemeteries and remember that the people buried there once walked on the earth. They are someone whom GOD loved. I think Christians should go to cemeteries and remember that someday unless the rapture happens first they will end up there as well and to think of how they wanna be remembered. How do you wanna be remembered?? This is an important question and those of the world would wanna be remembered for being the best drinker, the most fun at parties, had the most money, had the most cars, had the best clothes, had the best homes etc. I would want people to remember me and say "you could see Christ in her. Even when times were tough on her you could see the joy of Christ in her. She was so close to GOD and she loved Him very much. She lead so many to Christ." That's how I wanna be remembered. Please comment on this blog and share please on how you wanna be remembered. Have you ever made your will?? If not then why not?? We all seem to think that we won't die until we are 100 and so we put off thinking of writing out a will until we are older. We seem to think we have all the time in the world but truth is we don't. None of us know when death will come. For all you know you could go out and in five minutes be hit by a car and die. It could happen at anytime anywhere. This is another reason why I think Christians should think on death as we take life for granted. We always seem to think there will always be tomorrow. Well one day there won't be a tomorrow. Your next breath isn't even guaranteed to you. Lets say that you knew right now that tomorrow you will die at noon for sure and you wanted to write a personal letter from you to everyone you know. What would you write in those letters?? What would you say to those people?? How would you act differently if you knew that for sure you would die tomorrow at noon?? Instead of waiting till you know your gonna die why not say and do those things now?? Because as I said before it could come at anytime. Why don't you write those letters now?? Go ahead write a personal letter from yourself to each person you know and tell them how you really feel as if you know that you will die tomorrow at noon. Then when your done your letter go ahead and give it to them and instead of being in Heaven not knowing how they feel about what you have to say you'll get to find out and you may even become closer then you ever thought you could be..... King Solomon in Ecclesiastes 7:2-4 said "It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart. Sorrow is better then laughter, because a sad is good for the heart. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure" NIV. I think King Solomon said this is because at funerals we really think of death and we take things and people less for granted for a little while. For Christians though death is not the final word because we go to Heaven and I think every Christian also needs to think of Heaven alot. It is good to think of Heaven and wonder what its like there, what it would be like to actually see GOD, what it would be like to touch the face of GOD etc. So my reasons why Christians should think of death often are. 1. Because we will face a physical death sooner or later unless rapture happens first. 2. Because we are supposed to be dying to ourselves. 3. To think of how they wanna be remembered. 4. To take things and people less for granted. 5. Because it is good to think of Heaven. I wanna add one more reason and this is to remember the unsaved and keep them in prayer because those unsaved face an eternal death where the fire never goes out. Their souls will perish unless they turn to Jesus to be saved and they might not have a tomorrow for you to wait and pray for em then. Pray for em now while there's still time.... I found a song online that I think goes well with this blog. It's Live Like You Were Dying by Tim McGraw here's the link to it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxDkWBvxHEI please listen and enjoy. Please also write those letters and tell people how you really feel about em now before its to late. You might not get another chance to do that. If your shy then pray and ask GOD to help you put your shy in a box before you end up in a box and write those letters and give them to the people you wrote em to... GOD bless you